Do you illustrate your own books? And why not? are questions people often ask. I ask myself the same thing twice a year, cashing those extravagantly large royalty checks. If I illustrated my own books, the royalty wouldn't have to be split, and then those extravagantly large checks would be TWICE AS BIG! (Translation: I'd be able to rent two schlocky videos at once, instead of just one.) So to all those who ask, scroll down for the ugly truth about --
Why I Don't Illustrate
My Own Books
A while back, in a lapse from reality, I took a watercolor class. I did manage to produce three nice paintings. One was a seascape for my mother, and the other was a picture of his garden for my father. To prevent my parents from hanging the pictures on their refrigerator, I went out and actually had both paintings framed before giving them away.
The third nice painting is at the very end of this page, but to get there, you have to see what was more typical of my classwork.
The first class, the teacher hung a striped cloth against the wall, set a still life in front of it, and told us to just go ahead and paint. After working for a couple of hours, I walked around to see what fellow students were doing and saw all these incredible likenesses, some lifelike, some highly stylized. I'd heard the wonderful comments and praise the teacher had made earlier when he looked at them.
Then he came to mine --